A Novice Pilot...A Dreamer of Fireflies..

2006-11-01T19:46:00.000-11:00

It was a hollow November when solitude came brewing up somewhere beneath the bushes, mustering enough decibels to summon my sullen spirit.

I found myself in a slouch at the pinnacle of deep depression. i didn't utter a word, nobody would care to listen anyway. I never cried for i knew i had nothing but drivels to cry for. I was ransacking my hypothalamus for some logic that could explain such unhappiness when a sudden surge of unseismographical pain bombed the nerves all throughout my body--a solid finely-sharpened guillotine was planted somewhere in my system. it was a curse.

Why couldn't i just accept the simple fact that what i terribly want is far beyond my limits? Why couldn't i just see it as the sky that I can never own? Why isn't letting go as easy as dropping a stone anywhere i wanted to? Why couldn't i just forget everything as if they were freakishly useless Physics formulas? Why couldn't i just break the law that did nothing but to hold me back from wanting happiness? Why have i been made scrupulous yet brittle? Why am i too wise? Why couldn't i just forget that i am smart and claim stupidity to be happy? Why do i have to be too knowledgeable about the future? Why do i have to worry too much about what could possibly happen next? Why couldn't i just be a terrible girl? Why do i have to care too much for too many people that nothing's left for my own pathetic self?

Amid these impossible-to-understand bewilderment, the chilly mist of the midnight embraced me. i was tremulous all over when I felt so alone at the same summit. No one cared to share the coldness with me but i could no longer be unhappier. The spirit of solitude came reaching out a hand for me. It was right there in front of my shaking flesh, waiting patiently for my decision to pursue or reject....right then and there.... i slumbered form the truth...a shadow moving in stealth....a soul drenched in solitary wine of hypothermia.....

~fudge...help...~

2006-09-30T17:07:00.000-11:00

...my first non-instant cake. no frostings. just chocolate cake. *bow*

2006-09-24T21:25:00.000-11:00

BUS FARE; 33 pesos.

I just got home from UST.
I don't want to post anything about USTET because...it's lackadaisical..

Have you been on the verge of doing something too risky, when all of a sudden, something would tingle your heart and would eventually stifle your locomotives from doing what you ought to do?

It's hard to get into something you know would shatter the touchiest portion of a guy who loves you.

You know what i mean.

I know.

We've been together for more than seven months already.--seven languid months. WE don't really understand why but we're taking things blithely...as if not a definite commitment exists. All we know is that we have something else. We're not too sweet neither cold. We're happy about it...walang sakalan..

Time fleeted...and i found myself empty.
It came to the point where i asked myself;"Will anything change if he doesn't love me at all?"

I kept on thinking about it...

perhaps we really have to stop here...

Nothing seemed to be working anynmore..

Imagine, we're seatmates...we don't say a word to each other.
Yet, we don't find anything bothering about it...

Although we haven't officially closed this one yet...
I believe...it's emblematically over..

I decided to tell him what was really going on..and at this moment, I should've told him already..

Something thwarted me...

...Nilibre niya kasi ako sa bus kanina..

Honestly, that was really the reason why i didn't have the nerve..

2006-09-22T18:43:00.000-11:00

Yesterday.

After an exasperating teaching resposibility, i (with Angela) came to our music class 15 minutes before dismissal. I looked for a seat and realized that our friends spared two seats for us. (how sweet!)...i was sitting there...alienated...it seemed like i couldn't think of anything more except home..rest..sleep.. I didn't know what was going on. It took some more minutes til i got my brain cells together.

Our music teacher was talking about Mozart and his life...when all of a sudden, a friend tapped me and asked; "Naaalala mo toh?" (the pen that she was holding)

Thought: "huh?!? NOt really.."

I can't figure out how did i react...perhaps i wore a poker face... then I smiled.

She said; "Ito yung ballpen na pinahiram mo sa kin last year...yung pinagpalit mo sa ballpen ko?"

I giggled and it was a reflex reaction. I thought it was of no consequence at all.. something like, so what? or whatever...until she said strikingly; "At least nasa 'kin pa! Nagagamit ko pa! Eh yung ballpen ko sayo?!? Nasaan?!? Wala! Wala na!"

"Pinahiram ko kaya kay Steph," I said in bunkish defense..

"DI KA KASI MARUNONG MAGPAHALAGA!"

I chuckled without meaning anything at all..

She smiled at me..

It hit me.

Truth hurts.

I just can't get the gist of keeping a grain of sand from footprints.

I don't buy class pictures. (i tried buying once but i don't know where it is..)
I once kept letters. (but i threw them all at once because i needed some space for something else...academic stuffs and all)

..a part of my psychopathetic identity perhaps...

History is like a bird that nestles on my arm and soon flies away.. and i don't really care. Sometimes, its claws are meant to scribe something on me...blood drips..and soon...it's out of my mind but it houses my soul.

I only learn from all of it. I think it's more than enough.

2006-09-17T23:48:00.000-11:00

TOO FAMILIARITY

"Being exceptional is getting yourself sluiced with mud that used to be invisible.."

2006-09-14T21:15:00.000-11:00

ANONG CONNECT? (meron yan!)

I ranked 5th in the Sportswriting Category.

Unbelievable.

(kay sharkboy na nagtanong sa kin nung opening program kung saan ako sasali, ang naisagot ko ay features...kaso..basura ang feature article ko..hay..buhay...)

I have never been too interested in sports. I don't know a word from the sports lingo (except the terms that i encounter in PE lectures and in a novel, "My Losing Season" by Pat Conroy).

I didn't expect this.

I remember after the contest for sportswriting, my friends told me;

F1: "Alam mo ate, kanina pa sya paikot-ikot..parang hinahanap ka ata." (giggles)
ME : "Ganun?" (speechless eh...)
F2: "Tapos ate kanina, feeling ko ikaw yung kinuhaan niya ng picture!" (giggles)
ME: (walang masabi..di alam kung paano magrereact)
THOUGHT: "Iba ka talaga Sharkboy! Kung totoo man yun o hindi...there's really something in you..i don't know if i can still find out.."

May kalabuan kung pagdurugtungin niyo ang aking pagkapanalo sa pangyayaring yun pagkatapos ng mismong contest. Pero isipin niyo..anong connect? Meron yan.

2006-09-13T20:16:00.000-11:00

BROKEN

Being on that seminar isn't really a joke. Nakakatoxic!
Putting the semi-fatigue aside, FRUSTRATION is slapping my exhausted face. I missed the field trip to grant the request of our schoolpaper adviser to help the school in bagging some recognition. Ms. S expects a lot from me...and she isn't the only one..everyone's counting on me. They believe in my capabilities.

The writing contests ended few hours ago. I was a part of news, editorial, feature and sports writing. (halata bang desperado?)

When i was walking my way home, i thought about my performance on that seminar. News writing is not my style. I don't expect to be credited for that...so that's a 10% winning chance. Editorial writing is something i didn't grow up with. I mean, it was my first time to officially write an editorial..perhaps that's a 10% too. In sports writing, the main and the worst problem i got is that; "i am not a sports enthusiast"...thus, giving me a headache in ransacking my mind for some sports lingo that i happen to encounter when i hear people talking about badminton (the article is about the BAdminton Exhibition GAme)...perhaps it's 9% if luck turns my way. Since grade six, i was trained for Feature Writing competitions. Ms. S knew that..giving her expectations a more unreachable level. The topic for features wasn't difficult but having that in mind, i knew i wasn't the only one who thought that it was easy--laying out a tighter competition. "I will do my best..."

Shockingly, the judge announced; "I am giving you twenty minutes to finish that article.."

What the..! I know i can write sensible articles but never that fast.

I tried to keep myself out of the time pressure.

Judge: "Last ten minutes!"
Thought: "What?!?! I am not even halfway through!"

I continued writing...

Judge: "LAst 3 minutes!"
Thought: "Oh men! I just finished my body!"

After two minutes and fifty seconds...(if they really used a timer..)

Judge: "10...9...8...7...6..5..4..3..2..pass your papers.."
Thought: "Disaster..." (shaking my head..)

I am not expecting anything from that lousy feature article...It breaks me.

2006-09-12T20:47:00.000-11:00

BLUEly NOTHING...(at all)
(sometimes i feel like writing my own lexicon)

So, i was sitting there, besieged by more than a thousand young writers. My mind was roaming around the blue hall...the stage was blue...the signboards were blue..the long table for the speakers was blue...the scholastic journalists on my left were blue (blue uniforms i mean)...i was looking for something not-so-blue..and found myself wearing a checkered red, white and navy BLUE uniform....SFAC..realizing that i was wearing my school uniform, I remembered that i was sitting there to represent my school as an apprentice writer...I just remembered..but it didn't build up my psyche on what was going to happen---the competition. I didn't give it a damn because all i know is..blue is perhaps the color of the day and of the next two days to come for I would be attending that seminar til Thursday.

There was a guy sitting on my left. I wasn't able to get his name because i was just too shy. But i tried to steal a glance from his ID. His family name was Hernandez and that was all that i saw. Something not so usual..uhm...perhaps i should stop here because i remember something... sorry friends...but i can tell you privately. lolz! (bakit kaya ayaw i-post?)

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL

by James Blunt

My life is brilliant

My life is brilliant.

My love is pure.

I saw an angel.

Of that I'm sure.

She smiled at me on the subway.

She was with another man.

But I won't lose no sleep on that,

'Cause I've got a plan.

(chorus)

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don't know what to do,

'Cause Ill never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,

As I walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was,

fucking high,

And I don't think that I'll see her again,

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

(chorus)

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

You're beautiful it's true

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don't know what to do,

You're beautiful, You're beautiful.

But it's time to face the truth

I will never be with you.

(La-la-la-la, La-la-la-la, La-la-la-la, Laaah)

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

There must be an angel with a smile on her face,

When she thought up that I should be with you.

But it's time to face the truth,

I will never be with you.

if you chanced upon this post...(u know who you are)...
indeed,, 'i will never be with you.'

2006-09-10T22:02:00.000-11:00

EM'S BANANA SPLIT..WITH MINE ON TOP

I know you're starving but devouring your monitor is not as compulsory as buying tickets...(Franciscans can relate to it..)

Banana split is a dessert...meant to make people smile after a terrible meal. It was made sweet for people who remain shut in indifference when it comes to their figures. Yet my banana split, topped with my greatest dreams, left an acrid taste of guilt in my taste buds..especially when he didn't say another word and left me drowning in culpability.

After the ever-shocking journalism training (guess what? we're going to join a competition tomorrow and we just had our training today!kawindang) , i took my stride frantically along the main corridor, keeping my fingers crossed, praying my quite idiotic school service driver hadn't gone nuts. i was too busy hoping that i can go home without spending a dime when "EM" (my guy) called me. I stopped and everything about my service evanesced. I stood beside him and waited for him to finish texting. After a couple of hours of standing there galateally (course i'm exaggerating), we finally started walking out the raucous atmosphere of SFAC;

EM: Sasama ka?
Me: (nawalan bigla ng boses..namutla..)
EM: Hey! Sasama ka ba? (hindi na maganda ang mood)
ME: Tatanong ko pa kay tito? (huh?!? tama ba yun? hay nakao!)
EM: Yan ang hirap sayo eh...nakaasa ang desisyon sa iba.
silence...
EM: Sasama ka nga? (nakaramdam na hindi ko alam ang sinabi ko..)
ME: (shook my head)
EM: Sure? (paiyak na)
ME: (nodded) (gusto ng magpatiwakal..)

He walked faster..heavier... he didn't look at me again and went straight to his service. I thought he would just leave his bag there like what he always do, so i waited for him. I was leaning against a wooden post near his service when a question bothered my wit (if i still have it); "What have i done? Men, i've let him down again!" Suddenly, the stainless air-conditioned jeepney stormed off the parking lot.
I felt three words came out of my mouth; "Pathetic Lil' TenTen".

I chose journalism over our field trip and i know this is one of the most aberrant decision i've ever made as a senior.

Em never stifles me from doing what i want but i know that he desperately wants to be with me tomorrow--the last field trip that we can ever have together. I can feel that excitement too but difference is, it isn't the only thing that matters to me. I do not treasure memories unlike normal dudettes of my age. I live in the present with all the lessons i had from the past, equipped by my plans for the future. I hate to feel his disappointment as it stings my conscience.

Will i still have 'us' tomorrow?

i don't want to think this way but it's inevitable. We aren't as weak as hokey lovers are but..*sighs*

Benjy strikes again.

Will this banana split be sweet again?

It should...even if it couldn't...

2006-09-10T08:02:00.000-11:00

BROTHERLY LOVE IS SISTERLY

Enough of rivals...being a sister is loving your brother..and being a brother is loving your sister...

Last night, I was washing those damned soiled plates when my brother told me that he didn't want to go to my granma today. I was suffering from a terrible headache because of my colds. I wanted him to go with me but i didn't know exactly why. Words spilled from our mouths until i felt something else brewing--"This is starting to sound like chaos...hmm." In the middle of our squabble, i didn't stop working on the plates. I mustered all the patience left in me and i got myself contained. I never thought of anything worse that could happen until...he said; "Gusto mo lang gumala eh!"...and repeated it with a mock. I threw him the spoon dipped in dishwashing liquid that made him jerk out a sob. I had hit his neck.

I can't understand why but even the least meaningful string of words from my past drives me nuts. I get too vulnerable when it comes to my history...

Not a twinge of guilt bothered me. I knew i should feel bad by then but it seemed like my conscience was in deep slumber.

It took some time for me to fall unto realization that i had been too mean.

"I shouldn't have done that.."

I rushed to our kitchen and reached for my "PRINGLES" (that i bought for my field trip on Tuesday). I left it on top of my bro's pillow with a note; "Kapatid, SORRY..sayo na 'tong Pringles ko."

I gave it wholeheartedly...i knew i would never regret it.

When he came in, i walked out...for i knew my face would flush if i would see his reaction.

After about 5 minutes, I walked in again and found the pringles on my bed with a cursive note; "Wag na. Ok na me =p"

Lacrimal droplets started pouring in torrents. I couldn't help it. I hated this hokey scenes but it felt so great to have a brother like him.

I know he loves me. And i love him even more.

2006-09-09T14:43:00.000-11:00

HALF AFFLATUS..PURE NOTHINGNESS

not a specific creature deserves the real credit for inspiration.

"When you do not know what you're doing...and what you're doing is at best--that is inspiration." - Robert Browning

I may be mediocre in facade. But the spirit that dwells in my innermost chamber is like a brick marked with countless dents, bruised by my own naivete*. It didn't remain as a lurid ornament. It became more of a jewel, polished by distress and wisdom.

Life itself stings me with its splendor. The most common elements on earth catch me in delight. I digest images that pass by me. My brain keeps on working even at the most uncommon hours. I am not a sensible talker for I perfectly know that feelings are better left unsaid but shall not be kept forever. THROUGH DOODLES I REPRESENT A LIVING SPIRIT, with a touch of an abstract afflatus.

*naivete (the spelling is not exactly like this coz the real characters aren't working..whew..dunno why..)

2006-09-04T23:09:00.000-11:00

i'm just about to sleep and surely, i can't come up with a good post as of this moment because....because....see you next post...

oyasumi..

2006-09-01T22:05:00.000-11:00

DEATH

Are you happy?

Benjy's not.

Shunned by people i could never get enough of....they were idiots, but not of my kind. i just hate their burnished faces...their theatrical voices...their stuck-up glances...their condescending remarks...they just feel like everything that a girl can ask for..and i distaste it.

Can i just promise myself not to talk to them tomorrow? Not even look at them? Demolishing every dream i had with them as the biggest star?

People aren't really what you think they are. I do not treasure people..except those who love me unconditionally. They are nothing but rubbles of my life.

Looking back, I know, i have been an affectionate friend. I have written lots of letters for people who meant so much to me. I have never forgotten special dates. I have kept candy wrappers, receipts and everything that reminded me of exceptional days.

But i have changed.

Memories pass by me like a song...after the last line, everything's worthless. I hate to say this but i do not give a damn to maudlin phases of life. I've been there before...and it did no good to me. I have forgotten how to cry already. I've had enough of it. I have forgotten how does it feel to be hurt...the darkest feeling i could ever get is hatred but it could never be planted in my heart.

The only thing that can ever make me ecstatic is literature...and the smiles of my folks and brother.

I can't remember how to cheer up because lately, i haven't been so down. Yes, i have been lonely...but not devastated.

Am i numb already?

i'm afraid i am.

and happiness threw me away.

2006-09-01T01:11:00.000-11:00

GET LOST SCHIZOID!

I am no longer the person you once knew. I am Benjy...may i just remind you. I know that psychopathy is already a part of me...I'm not proud of it.

I don't know if this would hurt but i'll take the guts to say this.; "I'm happier whenever i am alone." I see the most beautiful creations in my solitude. The most unrecognizable entities are the ones that i treasure the most.

I live to ramsack life's unfathomable wishing wells, to take note of unseismographical earthquakes and to look for some peace of mind and from all of these, I became different.

My shattered hopes, wounded pride and frayed identity stood with my horrible history. There's certainly no way to forget those times of weakness and foolishness.

Whenever i remember how stupid i have been to expect some spirit-boosting taps, i'm crushed over and over again. But soon enough, i realize that it's just too overwhelming to see myself whole again after everything i have gone through. I became wise.

"Life is a joke," oh yes! it really is. it shouldn't be lived with your eyes shut and your heart open for stabs.

Laissez Faire!

DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ANYBODY for in the end, all that would be left reachable is your own soul.

what's the real sense of happy times when you know that it will just hurt you by the end of the day? Live not the happiest of times,spare even just a dime of it for tomorrow in your time of death.

what can you find in a treasure if the real essence of it isn't in your heart?

Is having fun just the same as being true?
If you agree that it is, then i should not go.

Am i really being selfish?
Perhaps i am..

i'm sorry...because...uhm..i don't really know if i can still find you smiling tomorrow after you have read this..but...okay...uhm.. i do not embrace friendships as tight as you do. i don't know why...but maybe..just maybe.. i cannot find a real friend because the friend in me is yet to come to life.

but i love my friends...

there's no question to that...

2006-08-31T21:17:00.000-11:00

Returned If

I ducked under the waters and let the voice of the Earth abandon my senses. I was drifting away from life's orthodox with aloof sensibility. The unstoppable paddle of my synthetically webbed feet gave me a sense of belonging. The mouthless ocean offered an ineffable twaddle of what i really wanted.

I'm tired of being shattered into pieces, of inducing a soothing aroma, of finding myself written in bold letters (by people who do not know me), of keeping promises, of breaking others hearts, of making people happy...even though i know, all of their smiles are fraudulent. I hate it but i have no choice because i was born to give consoling taps to everybody.

I dove deeper, further from my real world...The deserted ocean was 53% lacrimal solution since i started eloping from my identity. Until i found a vessel....a ship that was not so new for the schools of fish and corals beleaguering it.Wonderful.

The ship was plunged into the ocean floor like a knife into a watermelon. The windows were traps for every big fish that dared to pass through for the tips of the fragments of the glass still attached to the shattered window produced a spark of death. Were there remains inside? The picturesque questioned me.

I started to move closer to it. I was so idiotic to take stealthy paddles knowing that i was alone except for the masters of marine life. Before i knew it, i found myself wandering inside the tragic memory of the ship. Rusty tin cans, furnitures, trash and all were scattered everywhere. I was wrong to take myself there...because it reminded me much of my real world. Wreckage. Broken Promises.

I swam back to where i entered that replica of my disastrous existence. As i began eradicating that picturesque from my mind, a school of clown fish came wiggling towards my direction. They sprinkled droplets of hues unto the debris of tragedy. I didn't know how they did it but it didn't matter. A new face of catastrophic life broke into my perception. I discovered pearls and jewels inside a drawer of a bedside table marked with antiquity and disaster. The magnificent design of the ship caught my eye in spite of the betrayal of destiny that took over it.

That school of clown fish were magicians themselves.

I would have lived forever in that sanctuary of whim and amazement but i had to go back to the shore and continue hating my life.

I swam...and swam...and swam... Time flew ten times faster and for the first time ever, I found myself smiling when i had reached the shore. "Life was never this good to me..."

Everything changed yet the freshness of that evolution grew old with me. My bones became brittle while the redolence of that masterpiece turned stale to the point the i thought my nose was worthless already.

One day..i chanced upon a rainy afternoon and from the balcony of my house by the shore, i looked at the waters stretched as far as i could see. I found something glistening in a manner different from the sparkle of raindrops as it touches the waters. It glowed and showed me the heart of the ocean. I smelled the redolence I thought i lost. The picturesque would never leave me as long as the heart of the ocean exists....I was sure of it.

2006-08-29T04:21:00.000-11:00

BENJY

"I quit!" Two words were about to spurt from my mouth unscrupulously while i was doing an article.

I got myself ready for bed but found my psyche befuddled by my duty as a school newspaper writer. I started writing. I was dizzy and all. Seemed like i had a black and white spiral that didn't stop swirling like a tornado inside my head. "Why do i have to do this?"

I was on the edge of the cliff, one inch away from falling off...one inch away from being a frustrated writer. No! This couldn't be! I was born to write..I knew it..

I tried to stroke my hand again and there off the first thought went... followed by another...and another one...until i had it all done. *sighs*

Okay, so i know, you're laughing at me now. It's shallow, isn't it? It's something so naive that someone like me (for those who know me) can ever think of. But heck... i am Benjy,people! I can be a part of any possible idiosyncracy at any time.

And oh! By the way, i'm actually a banana that has been cut into two. The other one was saved by a brilliant dream but half of the banana was left hanging on that cliff that was actually...uhm...296,254,778,352 ft. high. Worst, it doesn't have a scoop of ice cream on top but somehow, a cherry was placed into a tiny part of its hollow chasm. What's next?

Oh cmon Benjy!

Can you just think even just for one second of your life?

"Worthless sound and fury..."

oh Benjy..spare me...

2006-08-28T15:12:00.000-11:00

THE PLAY THAT LAUNCHED A SHIP OF DEAFENING CHEERS

I was leaning beneath the dusty chalkboard hung on one of the gymansium's posts. The staccato rhythm in my left chest was ceaseless. My face was phlegmatic.I could feel it.

The performance began. I watched them closely but i made sure that they wouldn't see me--stealthy huh. My head grew large when i found the audience moved by the play. They were laughing wholeheartedly with the actors. Those gales of delight were twaddles of perfection induced by flawed yet majestic creatures on the Earth's crust. I could never thank them enough. I was too proud of 'em...I would always be.

The play's aftermath wrecked my sanity. I ran out of room for congatulation shakes. I couldn't curve my lips enough to show a smile that would just be perfect for the real gratitude i felt. Teachers were all smiling at me...meaning something like; "You're the best!" Strangers even came rushing to me just to tell me; "GReat! Fantastic play!"

I could die tomorrow.

All i ever wanted was to crack the veneer of isolation enveloping the novice pilot that i am. I wanted people to remember me as someone who writes. If i'd be gone tomorrow...you're sure to see me smiling underneath a glass that separates life from death.

But if the sun will still choose to shine on me tomorrow, i'll continue this silent tread,,making every step audible to the dullest sense of mankind even at the snailest pace. This is my ONLY dream.

2006-08-26T08:44:00.000-11:00

UNTOUCHABLE

"...i'm crazy for you.." My world stopped spinning in lifeless shades. i was dreamingly alive.

As he took the spotlight, the raucous shrilling resonance of cheer was unstoppable. People of all ages rushed frantically to catch a good angle of him. I was just lucky enough to have stood in front of the right wing where he was the center of my sight. Suddenly, another maniac mob were out of their wits. They just couldn't stop their voices from screaming and their bodies from wiggling. The tumult of the inharmonious human notes muffled my ears and before i knew it, he was out of my sight. The crowd took the perfect location i got. A post, embellished by multicolored synthetic flowers stifled the ray of my vision from reaching him. I heaved out a seed sigh. I let none of my senses work except my ear which was my only chance of getting him into a part of me. He strummed his acoustic guitar and the melody filled my exhausted living place. I felt my lips curve into a genuine half smile as if it was my first time to hear such a beautiful tune. He sang the first line and my heart melted. Shivers came pulsating through my arteries and not a dose of ketamine could possibly calm my nerves. i was inwardly erratic. I could feel his own heart from the affectionate vibrations of his voicebox. It was more than a melody...or a love song...or a serenade.. It was an ineffable yet magnificent constellation of twinkling stars made reachable but still impossible to keep within my grasp. I found myself engrossed in a whimsical reverie where my apathetic world was overwhelmed with a downpour of colors , inhabited by two genuinely happy people--a "serenader affectueux" and a simple lady of mediocrity. I didn't want to get back to the real picture but the final snap of his wrist that moved his fingers through the strings of his guitar pulled me down to where i was. a spectator. an admirer. a dreamer.

2006-08-24T01:41:00.000-11:00

Apathetic Morning

I was supposed to post something last night. yet my heavy eyes dragged me to paralysis to do so. i went to bed around 12 and right now...i am fuzzyheaded. i don't know if i can still find myself psyched about the quizbees later. i feel so lethargic. but oh! i prepared for it. i have to crush the Economics and Physics Quiz bee into pieces. i am in the zone. nobody can beat me. *sighs*

Perhaps i can post another one again later coz i'll be late for school.

i'm sorry.

is apathetic really the word for my morning?

can "PATHETIC" sound perfect?

2006-08-23T23:04:00.000-11:00

Gracias Fiasco

The abominable wind of a fiasco came puffing on my way again. I was trying to stay on my feet. My eyes were closed. My soul was praying that I was just in the middle of a nightmare amid a legion of ghosts in a conflagration, believing i could still wake up and find a bright sky peeping at my window. I opened my eyes...slowly.. I felt none of my senses...But a salty solution lingered at the corner of my mouth. I was broken.

I didn't get enough sleep last night. I remained seated on a straight chair in front of a four-cornered blue table. I was in a battle where I was tasked to crush those mind-twisting formulas and freaky names by swallowing them as if I hadn't eaten a pigment of knowledge for the last 10 years of my life. I devoured 'em, expanded my brain to its extent. I read. and read. and read. 'til my eyes finally drooped.

A split second after my eyes fell, I thought I heard a snap from somewhere that woke up my senses. I hadn't prayed yet. I said my prayers..earnestly. and finally dragged my sluggish spirit to a dream.

At 5:15 am, my human alarm clock who was my cousin called my name blithely. it took not a second for me to open my eyes. I was up but I couldn't lift myself. my eyes were gleaming with the urge to have 10 more hours of sleep. impossible. I had to get up, whether I liked it or else.

I went to school with my heart hoping to bag even just a single bronze medal. arrggh! my head didn't stop screaming. I was dizzy and I had come to realize that staying up late at night was the craziest thing that a quiz bee finalist could do. it's too late. I had proven my lunacy. I thought the statement; "I am crazy" was just a theory. I had realized that...it's far beyond a 'law'.

hours fleeted like I was going to die by the next second.

I found myself there, seated on an armchair, playing with the chalk and the rectangular board placed on the desk. I felt ineffably nervous yet half paralyzed. I couldn't understand why I wasn't totally psyched about where I was. half of me was zoned out. I shook my head and heaved a seed sigh.

I lost that Economics Quiz Bee.

"It doesn't end there.," my guardian angel told me.

Physics Quiz bee came shortly after our lunchbreak.

Nothing was unchanged. Same thing happened.

I lost. It didn't matter how.

I tried to keep up my bright disposition. and I did. I stayed cool. as if nothing happened... as if losing runs in my blood.

'That's life.'

I distaste it but i'm nothing but a leaf floating on the ocean. too futile to stay still when waves come rushing by the shore. too weak to fight a tsunami.

the failure struck me inwardly. painfully.

everything has to go on.

slowly...I began to accept the mere fact that..."it wasn't for me"

This is a platitude but i can taste it's essence with my burnt tongue; "More often than not, we have to fall in order to rise...we have to be broken to be whole again..and be better than you can ever imagined..."

I hate it....but i know i will thank this fiasco tomorrow.

2006-08-21T20:17:00.000-11:00

Numb Mind

i think i'm getting too rusty already. i've been doing nothing for the past four days. hmm...but on the other hand, i guess i've also been doing everything--everything that people like Benjy does.

i almost smashed Shitty (our pc) coz i desperately wanted to learn how to create a blogskin of my own. I lucked out for i didn't have a drop of knowledge on html's that made my mind turn upside down. OMG. it literally boosted my lunacy and at the end of the day, i was nothing but a wind-up toy. i didn't speak to anyone. it really seemed like a failure. but, i guess, it's more than enough to keep me striving for what i want to learn. html. i'll get back to you!

Tomorrow is the first schoolday of the week and i'm pretty excited. i miss my classmates. i miss the schoolgirl in me. i miss the cranky senior and the ever-crazy friend that i am. whew. i wish i have the remote on "Click".

Speaking of "Click", that movie made me burst into some sort of torrents of tears. it moved me and i couldn't find enough words to explain why. perhaps, it's because i missed my folks. oh well...bet it's far beyond that.

OMG! i haven't done a manuscript for tomorrow's hosting assignment. perhaps that's all for now. Adios.

i couldn't feel a working brain cell anymore.

2006-08-21T19:32:00.000-11:00

Earth Angel

Need me Oh curling flower
Call me dear fountain of despair
For through the weakest thread
I can do a masterpiece
In my flaws,
A tender touch of perfection lingers
Yet i breathe in stealth
Felt not by a grimy finger
But only by a frayed spirit...

2006-08-21T19:28:00.000-11:00

Invisibly

Magnum opus of my pen
Grotesque on my ceiling
Feathers in my pillow
Prey for my shivers

Spare a thought for me
Yet i'll thank you for the oblivion
Flash me a smile
But give me a cold stare
Hold my hand today
Without keeping it warm

Snatch me away from hope
For in pretense i shall live in peace
But never will this art forget
The dream of my dreams..
Prayer of my prayers

2006-08-21T19:21:00.000-11:00

On Losing

If life's tenderest caress
Misses this hollow chasm
Let me, Oh Flagrant Angel!
'Least unfurl my brightest shades
Stifle it not, but let it intertwine
With the ketamine spurting aghast
Upon the pride of the believers--crushed. gashed.

2006-08-08T23:22:00.000-11:00

CATWALK

Finally, the courage to repel from the unreasonable law of my ruthless uncle dawned unto me. Here i am.. back in the zone.

"Why do we long for the things that weren't meant for us?"

It haunts my nights, my paramour. The endless roar of admiration for someone who's romantically aloof muffles my ears. i loathe the redolence in the air whenever he's around, it shatters my natural fragility. Yet, i find myself yearning for it--the acrid smell of vanity.

As i was walking along the lifeless corridor, i hoped to see him along the way. I missed his smile. i wished..and wished...and..Voila! He was there, walking in his usual grace, coming my way. The sterile catwalk glowed and everything spinned in romance. It was like a romantic flick. (lol!)

He came closer. I looked at him with ineffable affection and smiled wholeheartedly. Not a spark of fervor striked though my nerves. His eyes were cold, his smile was a fraud. He didn't say a word. Worst, i saw him holding his girl's hand even tighter as they passed by me...

I stopped walking... I didn't know what to do...